understand her.

this is eden.

she is 5. she loves to sing and dance. her laugh is contagious! last month, she decided she would be a ballerina when she grows up. last week, she changed her mind - she would rather be an artist. yesterday she told me she wanted to be a nurse. today? today she thinks she will be a roller skating princess. she has big dreams and huge goals for her life. but she won't tell you about them. she won't tell you her favorite color. she won't tell you who her best friend is. in fact, she won't tell you anything.
is she shy?  well, yeah, kind of. but it's more than that. stubborn? some people think so, but no, that's not it.
for the past 3 years i've tried to pretend she was just shy. i've stood back and let people try to force her to talk (i've even joined in and done my fair share of forcing). i've done my best to contain the mama bear that wants to come out and tell people to back off my baby. it's not that she doesn't want to talk to you. she can't.
my daughter has a childhood anxiety disorder known as Selective Mutism (SM). she has not been diagnosed by a doctor (her doctor has never heard of it... he thinks she is shy and stubborn...). she has been diagnosed by her mother. me. because i used to be in her shoes. was i diagnosed by a doctor? no. but when i was in high school, i read an article about selective mutism and that 4 page magazine article changed me. as i read the words on those pages, i was reading about myself. everything that was described in that article - every sympton, emotion, stressor, etc. - was me!  i have to tell you, the words on those pages freed me in a way that nothing else ever had up to that point. my parents did so much in my young life to help me work through those 'quiet' years. i am forever grateful for all the time, emotions, and money that they invested in me to help me feel and act normal. but suddenly, when i read that article, i wasn't 'abnormal'. because if someone is writing about it, that means other people struggled, too.
but now it is my daughter that is struggling. and my heart is breaking for her.
as i was doing some research this week, trying to find some simple ways to help her at home, i came across a book (that i will soon own) called "Can I Tell You about Selective Mutism?"  This is an excerpt from that book that, i feel, does an excellent job describing how Eden feels when someone expects her to speak to them:
"When someone speaks to me I get very tense and panicky. You may have noticed that when people talk to me I sometimes look rather stiff and my face or my whole body seems frozen. My mum says I look like a rabbit trapped in the headlights. It's true - I feel stuck and can't move. My heart beats fast, I can't breathe easily and my throat goes tight. I can't even turn my head from side to side comfortably. They say adults can get 'panic attacks' and that's just what it feels like. You know some people can't bear to fly in a plane, or they are petrified of spiders. Well, it's a bit the same with me when I need to speak out. I have a sort of phobia about talking. I feel like there's a spotlight on me. So I try and avoid times when I might have to speak. it's such a relief to stop trying and not feel anxious."
I am not telling you all of this to put a label on my daughter. I despise labels. I'm telling you this so you can try to understand her. It's not that she doesn't want to talk to you. She's not rude. In the right situations, the last thing she would be described as is quiet! Do you know what she IS? She is fun-loving. She is witty. She is bouncy. She has a scream that would rival any teenage girl's scream. She is smart. She is opinionated. She is NORMAL.
so, right now i am doing my best to help her climb out of the shell she is living in. i am trying to balance what currently feels like two opposites - i want her to know she is ok just the way she is but i also want to bring her to a point that she can be comfortable being herself no matter where she is and who she is around.
in the meantime, please be patient with her AND me. she will come out of this, we just don't know when. and until she does, i'm going to try to prod her in the right direction, but i'm also going to support her. i'm not going to make her talk to you, but i will encourage her to find her own way to communicate with you until she feels it is ok to talk.
thank you for your acceptance. thank you for your understanding.