It started with a seatbelt....

... and ended with a new appreciation for what my husband does.
We were all getting in the vehicle to leave. I waited for the last girl to climb in, then I shut the door and hopped in the front seat. Nate looked back and said, "Man, Mommy didn't even help you with your seat belt!!" And I, as I always do, immediately got defensive. "She's big enough to do it herself. I don't feel like I need to baby her and do the things she can easily do herself." His response stopped me in my tracks. He told me that, while he knows that the big girls are completely capable of that simple task, he feels he has a responsibility to show his daughters what they should expect from a man. He has the duty of showing them how a real man treats a woman and he doesn't want them to settle for less than a man that will take care of them. And, in an instant, I changed the way I viewed EVERYTHING he does as a dad. I saw it in the light of a dad instead of a mom. What a huge job he has. I have no doubt that most daddies feel this way about their daughters, but I feel completely blessed to be married to a man that loves his girls so, so much.
This also caused me to reevaluate the way I mother. Am I doing it right? Obviously we all make mistakes every day, but in the big picture am I getting it right?? Or am I failing my little girls. I decided to keep doing what I'm doing. Because, while their Daddy has the job of showing them how a real man treats a woman, I feel like I have the responsibility of teaching them the be independent women. Women who are completely capable of doing it on there own.
It's a fine line, isn't it?? Being able to do it yourself, but knowing that we have the right to have a man be our Knight in Shining Armor. To treat us as the princesses our creator intended us to be.
So I will continue to make them buckle their seat belts. I will make them fill their own water cups. I will expect them to do the simple tasks without asking for my help. But my heart will overflow with love and joy every time I see my husband step in and do the little things for them. Because now I know he is showing them what to expect from their future husbands. Because in 15/20/25 years from now, when they are falling madly in love, I pray that they are falling for a man that will treat them exactly how their Daddy does. Because they deserve nothing less.
So, dads everywhere: if you have daughters, treat them the way you would expect any other man to treat them. And if you have sons, teach them how to treat a woman! We all need to work together here, or else I'm going to start arranging marriages!!

And then it happened....

... my Kater-bug turned 2.

Dear Kate,
I don't even know where to start... You are amazing. You have taken the last 12 months to prove to me that you plan to be awesome your whole life. It has been so fun to see you grow from baby to little girl. You love playing with your big sisters and they certainly don't mind you tagging along (well... MOST of the time...)
You are a comedian. You will do whatever you need to do to get a laugh from your audience. And once you get that first laugh, you take the stage and work the crowd. I have joked about renting you out to other families for dinner time entertainment, because you make our entire family laugh, truly laugh, almost every night at dinner. You make a big mess, too, but we somehow overlook that most of the time.
You are so full of energy. You are constantly moving and talking and going, going, going. I love this about you! But, it is so opposite of your big sisters and it has definitely forced me to change the way I mother you!! You love to have your picture taken. Any time you see a camera or a phone, you stop what you are doing and ask for a "cheese". Kate, my phone and camera are FULL of pictures of you! Thanks to your persistence, I will never be accused of not taking many pictures of my third child.
As is true with all 2 year olds, you have grown and changed so much in the past year. You also experienced a big life change this year. Just a couple weeks after you turned 1, we found out you were going to be a big sister. I honestly was a bit nervous about how you would handle this change because you definitely enjoyed the role of 'baby of the family'. But, to my lovely surprise, you have totally embraced your new position in our family. When Brenna was born, it was love at first sight for you, and you instantly became an overprotective, loving big sister. Warmed this mama's heart!!
So, what are you doing these days? Talking. A lot. You have a full vocabulary and speak awesome sentences. And you are a story teller! Oh, the stories you tell. I could listen to them all day! Although you have a huge vocabulary, it is definitely spoken with a 2 year old dialect. Some of my favorites:
"Ahbies" (owies), "Shoebies" (shoes), "Mama" (drink), "Bockey" (rock me), "Moff" (off), "Kank-ku" (thank you). Animals are known by their sounds. Your favorite animals are "Foof-Foofs" and "Oo Oo -Ah Ahs".  Speaking of saying things differently, you have somehow worked some magic with your Grandpa Bontrager. From the moment he became a Grandpa, he insisted that he would be called just that. Grandpa. He wasn't going to have any silly nicknames. When E & J were learning how to talk and couldn't say it, he would just calmly say, "they'll learn" and he wouldn't respond to any other name. Then along comes Kate, calling her grandpa, "papa". And guess what? Now Grandpa refers to himself as Papa. He loves all his little girls, but you, Kate, certainly have that man wrapped around your little finger. I hope you never let him go.
You learned several weeks ago that our last name is Mauck and you use it frequently when speaking to us. You don't just call us by our names, it is Daddy Mauck, Mommy Mauck, Eden Mauck, Jada Mauck, and Brenna Mauck.  Last week you were trying to get Grammie's attention, and you yelled across the room, "GRAMMIE. MAUCK." Ok, so you still have to learn that there is more than one last name it this family, but it was hilarious! And just tonight I heard you say your middle name for the first time. Of course, you weren't referring to yourself. You were talking to your Dad. "Daddy Izabet Mauck."
You also shocked me last week when you randomly started counting. Out of nowhere, 2-6 rolled off your tongue (who needs "1", right??). I have heard it several times since then, so I know it wasn't a fluke. Man, I can't believe how fast you are growing!!
You finally got moved into your big girl bed this week. I have been wanting to move you for nearly a year, but I was pregnant and tired, so the thought of being up several times a night to put you back in bed didn't really appeal to me, so I always found excuses to put this chore off. Well, a few days ago after bedtime, Daddy and I were in the living room, and suddenly a Kate-Kate comes walking out of her room. Yep, you climbed the barricade. So, there was no getting around it any more... you had to be moved. Which is good, because your baby sister is outgrowing her bassinet, so she's going to need a new place to sleep! It's been a rough training period, but each night seems to be getting better, so hopefully in a few days we will all be sleeping through the night again.
I can't write about this year without including your love for all things "Frozen". Anna, Elsa, Olaf - the whole gang. And the music. All the time. "Yet it go, Mommy. Yet it go!" I'm definitely ready for the next big thing so we can move past this stage....
Kate, thank you for a fantastic year. I have had tons of fun with you and I am looking forward to starting your third year of life! I have no doubt that you will keep in interesting!!
Love you bunches,
Mommy

And now she's 5!

Oh, Jada, you are 5!! It's just so hard to believe. I tried to stop this from happening. I asked you if you would just please stay 4 forever. You did consider it for a moment, but growing up won out. I guess you just couldn't stand that thought that you might miss out on something if you stayed right where you were. In the end, I think that was probably a good decision.

Just like every other year, you've experienced big changes in the past year. In January, you got your first haircut. For some reason, that was a big deal for me, but you didn't second guess it at all! You asked for a haircut a few months earlier and I was able to talk you out of it but this time you had your mind made up and there was no way I was changing it. We cut off nearly 7 inches!! You know what is even more incredible than that?? Last week you decided you wanted another hair cut... and we took off over 5 inches this time!! And you know what? Long hair or short hair.... you are beautiful either way! Your big brown eyes melt my heart every day and that smile of yours could light up a room!

In August, you welcomed another baby sister into your life. You so badly wanted a brother this time around, but the moment you met Miss Brenna, it was love at first sight. I haven't heard you talk even once about a boy since that day. You love being big enough to really be a big helper this time. You enjoy holding Brenna, talking to her and playing with her, and being able to carry her around.

The biggest change you've seen this year is starting school. You are having such a great time! One of the best parts of my day is picking you up from school because you are so excited to tell me what you did and what you learned. Not that you really need preschool.... you can write all your letters and numbers and are already learning how to spell some words, and yesterday you randomly started counting and got all the way up to 109 before you stopped. Amazing!! You don't talk at school... basically because you are stubborn! :) You talked to your teacher one time, but only did that because I promised you a prize. You are a bit shy, so I think you are just playing the shy card as long as you can... just because you know nobody will force you to talk. Live it up, girly, you won't be silent forever!

Jada, I absolutely love your heart and compassion for others. You just love doing kind things for others. You thrive on helping other people and never expect anything in return. This is an amazing gift that you have and I can't wait to see how it blossoms as you grow.

You are still a funny, witty kid. Kate is old enough now that she is challenging you for the award of "Funniest kid in the House", but she brings the slapstick-type comedy to the table while you have the gift of words. You don't have to try to be funny... you just are funny. You say things that make you sound way older that you really are, and that's just funny coming from a 5 year old!

Your best friend right now is Maggie Mast and you can't wait to start Kindergarten with her next year. You also love hanging out with the Watts boys. You all get along so well and it is fun to watch all you kids play together.

Currently, your favorite movie is Frozen. You love Anna and want to be her every time you play Frozen.

You may be 5, but you still love your snuggles. I love being able to give you snuggles when you need them and I hope you never outgrow them!! My favorite is when you are so aware that that is what you need - you will just come to me and say, "I haven't been getting enough snuggles!" How can a mom turn down an invitation like that??

There was a time this summer that I thought I lost you. I never, ever want to experience that again! We were at a celebration at church. We ate dinner outside and there were bounce houses and fun things there for kids to do. We were getting ready to go inside for a worship service and stopped at the drink table because one of your sisters was thirsty. For 10 seconds I turned away from you, and when I turned back, you were gone. GONE. I looked all around and you were no where. I stepped inside and didn't see you. I went back outside and you still weren't there. I immediately started to panic, even though I knew you couldn't have gone far and there was no one there that would hurt you. But one of my babies was lost and that is the worst feeling ever. I freaked out and was just walking back and forth from the church to the parking lot while other people actually effectively looked for you. It only took about 5 minutes for someone to find you. Our good friend Jeff came walking out of the church with a smile on his face and a Jada on his hand. Do you know where you were?? In the sanctuary. Sitting where we sit every Sunday. I never really thought about the fact that we had 'a spot' in the church until Jeff told me you were sitting in 'our seats'. After I got done crying, I laughed. You confidently walked into the church and sat where you knew we would sit and you had no idea what was happening outside. For the rest of the night I just kept looking at you, thankful that you were there and acutely aware of how much I truly love you. You were only 'gone' for a few minutes and you were only a few hundred feet away, but it felt like a lifetime. Don't you dare ever scare me like that again!!

I have discovered in the last 6 months that you love helping in the kitchen... I wish I would have known that earlier! You like baking, helping with dinner, and even setting the table and doing dishes. We have a dishwasher, but you will still occasionally ask to do dishes. Although last time you did them, I thanked you and praised you, and you just looked at my very seriously and said, "But, you know, last time I did dishes, you gave me a quarter." Wow. So, I laughed and did even better this time... I gave you FOUR NICKELS!! I'm such an awesome mom (I wonder how old you be when you realize the value of all those coins...)

My sweet Jada, you are a fabulous little sister, an amazing big sister, and a most incredible daughter!! I love you with my whole heart and all of my soul. I'm so glad God placed you in our family.. we are blessed to call you ours. I look forward to many more years of celebrating you and I can't wait to meet the young girl you grow into.

Love you soooo much,

Mommy

It's Preschool time again...

September brought another big milestone for our family... it was officially Jada's turn for preschool! She was excited and I was excited for her. I was also excited for myself, because this was my my second go-round with preschool, so I wasn't nervous at all. I knew what to expect and knew there was no reason to get worked up. I was also comforted in the fact that Jada is such a confident little girl and I knew that she would walk into this with no turning back - just like Eden did. So imagine my surprise when it was time to leave and I was suddenly overcome with emotion. My little girl was going to school. For months I had been teasing her that I wasn't going to let her go to school. That I was just going to keep her home with me so I wouldn't have to miss her. So she could stay home and be my big helper. And now suddenly it was go time. And I really did just wanted to keep that little girl home with me and snuggle her for 3 hours instead of sending her out into the big scary world without me. But obviously that wasn't an option, so I put on my brave mommy face, we hopped into the truck, I snapped an adorable picture of her, and we headed out.

On the way to school, I asked her if she was excited. She told me no - she was nervous. That is NOT what I needed to hear. It took everything I had inside me to not hit the brakes, turn around, and go back home. Because I knew she was going to love it there. She just needed her scared mommy to take her there. I wanted her to know she was going to be ok, so I asked her if she wanted me to pray for her. My heart absolutely melted when she looked at me with those big, brown eyes, nodded her head, and asked me to, yes, please pray for her. As soon as I started, I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through without losing it. But I had to... I couldn't show fear to my nervous girl. We prayed, we got to school, I dropped her off. And then I lost it... I cried like a baby all the way home.

What happened to me?! Besides the fact that I made a really rookie mistake by assuming this would be easy and therefore not preparing myself emotionally, I think the big thing was that this girl does such a good job of showing her strong, independent side, that I often overlook her super sensitive, innocent side. She has such a hard outer shell, but that shell is protecting an incredibly soft, passionate, sensitive, loving heart. I love that heart of hers. She gets her heart from her dad and her shell from her mom. And it's that truth that make me love her heart so much. Her shell is the same as mine, so often that's all I see of her. But when I stop and peel back that shell to really see her heart, I fall so much more in love with her. That's what happened when I took her to school on that very first day. I listened to her sweet voice and I heard her heart and she sucked me in. And I was reminded that she wasn't a strong-willed, independent adult. She is a super fragile 4 year old just trying to protect herself. And I want to protect her, too, which is exactly why I wanted to keep her home. 

But I took her to school. She got out, didn't look back, and walked right into the school. And had a fantastic day!!! And I got to hear all about it when I picked her up 3 hours later as her face displayed a smile that beamed from ear to ear.

Letting our kids grow up is so hard to do... but it is also amazingly fun!!

I'm proud of you, Jada, and I can't wait to see how much your grow and change this year!

Selective Mutism

October is Selective Mutism Awareness month.
I haven't mentioned this for 2 reasons: 1- I had no idea this was the case until a few days ago. 2- there are several other life threatening things that have awareness months that are much more deserving of our attention.
However, I feel awareness is important because that's really all this disorder needs. These kids need people to understand them and be aware of why they are silent!
BUT, the only reason I bring this up now is because of this VERY EXCITING announcement... Eden TALKED to her teacher yesterday!! This is such a big deal, people... HUGE for her! And this is my proud mommy moment and I just wanted to share it with you all because you are my friends and family. (However, don't say anything to her about it because that would embarrass her and potentially be a setback)
She whisper-read 3 books to her teacher. Up to this point, she hadn't uttered a single word to any of her teachers. Ever.
She has 2 'whisper buddies' at school that I am so grateful for. One of them is her best friend. She came home from her first day of Kindergarten last year and informed me that she had a new best friend. I laughed it off that day. Two weeks later we had a play date with the BFF and her mom. It only took about 15 minutes for Eden to start talking and laughing with her friend that day. That's when I knew this relationship was as real as it gets for 5 year olds and it needed to be fostered. It is because of this sweet girl that my daughter was able to communicate with her teacher last year. Anything Eden needed to say, she whispered to her friend and her friend told her teacher. Not ideal, but perfect for Eden.
Her second whisper buddy was in her class last year and is in her class again this year. Because of that familiarity, she was comfortable enough to make this friend her classroom buddy this year.
Eden has done all of her oral reading with this buddy this year. Occasionally her teacher would ask Eden to read with her, but as much as Eden wanted to, she wasn't able to. But her desire overcame her fear yesterday!!
I am so, so, so thankful for all the fabulous teachers that Eden has been blessed with so far. They have loved her and made her comfortable and have all been a part of this milestone... because none of them shut her down or shut her out. And I'm especially grateful for this teacher that was doing it right when it mattered. Eden could have been ready any time, and I'm so glad that when the time came she was met with a teacher that was patient and open to whatever Eden was ready for.
We still have big steps to make, but I think this one was the biggest. School is the hardest place for SM kids to use their brave voices. I'm not sure what it is, but most SM kids have their biggest struggles in school. In some situations, the school is considered emotionally contaminated... those kids will never be able to speak in school (unless they are otherwise 'cured' and are able to move to a new school and start fresh). I am so glad this is not the case for our daughter! I overcame my SM when I was in 1st grade... my prayer has always been that Eden would be over it by then, too... It appears that we are now on the fast track, folks, and I'm so excited!!

Brenna Paige

August 25, 2014 | 8:16 am | 8 lb 1 oz | 20 inches

This is her birth story....

I have to start out by saying that this was absolutely my best, most enjoyable, pregnancy! Maybe I wouldn't have said that in the first trimester, when I couldn't eat anything, but from week 12 forward it was awesome! I wasn't sick, I wasn't sore, I wasn't uncomfortable. I was just happy and pregnant. Knowing this was our last baby, I thoroughly enjoyed every kick and flip of this pregnancy. So much so that even up to the day before I went into labor someone asked me if I was ready to be done and I couldn't say yes. Yes, I had been pregnant for 39 weeks and from that perspective I was over it. But as much as I wanted to not house a human in my body anymore and as ready as I was to meet this baby girl, I really wasn't sure if I was ready to be done being pregnant forever (yes, it was 100% my choice to be done... but that doesn't mean I won't miss it!)
The last few weeks of pregnancy I was having a ton of Braxton Hicks contractions. Not painful... just super annoying! The last week, I started having real contractions a couple times, but they never lasted more than an hour. On Sunday, the day before she was born, I literally felt like the entire day was one long Braxton Hicks. It was wearing me out, but I knew it wasn't "the real thing". However, we were at church that night for Nate's Fight Club graduation, and on the way home I told him I really felt like she was going to come soon. So I made a mental list of everything I wanted to get done before she came home and I intended to knock that list out on Monday. If you are curious, the list included - among other things - getting all the laundry done, packing my hospital bag, cutting and coloring my hair, painting my toenails, and finally really lining up a place for the girls to go when labor started. I made this mental list at approximately 10pm on Sunday night.
Fast forward to 4:09am Monday morning. First noticeably 'real' contraction. I assumed these would go away as they did a few days earlier, but I started timing anyway. 10 minutes, 10 minutes, 10 minutes, 10 minutes, 10 minutes. Then Nate wakes up. He sees me playing on my phone and asks what I'm doing. So I told him I thought we might be having a baby. :)  I saw 'the look' on his face, but I had already been up for an hour, so I had plenty of time to prepare an answer for that look... I told him to just go to work. I didn't want him to waste an entire day at home watching me contract. I knew he had things to get done at work, so I told him to go get it done but never be more than inches away from his phone. It wasn't easy to convince him. Honestly, I never did convince him, but I like to pretend I was close. He just said he'd take a shower and then see how I was doing. But I knew he'd go to work. because at 10 minutes apart, these things could last all day. And I had a to do list to conquer and I didn't want to leave until that was done. Besides, I had decided a couple weeks earlier that I was really going to try to take a really relaxed approach to laboring this time around. I didn't want to rush to the hospital just to sit in bed all day... I wanted to labor at home as long as possible. My husband proceeded to take the quickest shower possible. While he was showering, I had a contraction... 5 minutes after the previous one. Didn't expect that kind of jump! But I figured it was a fluke. Then another 5 minute contraction.... (At this point I decided he was probably wise in thinking he should stay home. I swallowed my pride and confessed I was wrong) Nate offered to wake the girls. I told him it was too early for that. I called my parents - I knew that even if this lasted all day or turned out to be a false alarm, I had a doctor appointment scheduled for that afternoon and I forgot to ask my mom if she would watch the girls. And I also knew that my dad was planning to leave that morning for Canada and he was going to be gone for 10 days. As much as I didn't want him to have to change his plans for me, my [wise] husband kindly reminded me that he needed to make that decision, not us. I got in the shower [confession: I really did consider coloring my hair before I showered. That tiny decision could have turned this into a post about our first home birth or, at the very least, a TrailBlazer birth]. Then a contraction 3 minutes later. Thankfully Nate called my bluff and was already making arrangements to get Eden to school. 3 minutes later, another contraction and the timer app I was using started flashing "Go to Hospital!" I hit ignore each time it popped up. 3 minutes later. OK, I woke the girls and made arrangements for Jada and Kate. Nate finished getting ready, I started packing my bag and the diaper bag. I really wanted to paint my toenails, but decided I should probably erase that from the to-do list, too. I also gave up the idea of starting a load of laundry before we left because at this point I was scared of the stairs and I knew better than to ask Nate to do it. (Why? Why couldn't I just let go of the stuff I thought had to be done?? Man, I'm stubborn!!) So, Nate took Eden to the Watts' and I waited at home. He got back home and loaded the other two up... we took them to Miss Amanda's and headed to the hospital. Once we were on our way to Goshen, the contractions jumped back up to about 5 minutes apart. A couple were closer than that, a couple were farther apart. But they were all about a minute and a half long. And oh, so very painful!! I swear to you, the closer we got to Goshen, the bumpier and more unbearable those stinkin' county roads got. I was really trying to relax and breathe through it all, but it was getting harder and harder. We were a few minutes from the hospital and I told Nate I was pretty sure I was going to break with tradition and have him push me up in a wheelchair this time. With the other three, I took my pride by the hand and walked myself right up to the third floor (ok, I walked myself to and from the elevator... whatever!!) No contraction was going to keep this girl down! But I just wasn't sure I could do that this time. However, those of you that know anything about my husband know that he challenged me. And even though I knew he was just joking around, I can't back down from a challenge from my husband... that's the same as letting him win, and I just don't do that!! So, I was going to walk up. But I told him he had to compromise and drop me off at the doors. We arrived at the hospital and my loving husband dropped me off at the main entrance and went to park the vehicle. I didn't even make it through the revolving doors before I realized there was no way I was going to walk all the way to the elevators. So, I limped my way over to the desk and asked for a wheelchair. The wheelchair and the husband arrived at the same time. I sat down and away we went. We got to the desk on the OB floor and the nurse smiled at me and asked how she could help me (Why do they do that? I'm in a wheelchair and it looks like I have the world's largest watermelon tucked under my shirt. Your job is to deliver babies and you are at work right now. I think you know how you can help me.)  "I'm here to have a baby." So, they start the check in process. Neither one of us thought to look at the clock when we got there, but based on everything else that happened that morning, we are guessing we arrived at the hospital at about 7:40. I got changed and proceeded to answer the registration questions. The nurse finished her first set of questions and then tells me that she'll be back in about 20 minutes. She never checked me to see how I was progressing. This shocked me for a few reasons - 1. I'm here to have a baby. Don't you want to get a general idea of when that might happen? 2. Every time you asked me a question you had to wait about a minute for me to answer because I was having another contraction. You know how these things work, right? 3. I told you this is my fourth baby. So you know this isn't my first rodeo. I know a lot of ladies come in here and sit for several hours before anything major happens. I was that lady a couple times, but at least give me the benefit of the doubt and check. (Don't get me wrong... this nurse, and all the other nurses I came into contact with, was awesome!! I was just a bit shocked that she was willing to leave for 20 minutes without knowing our 'starting point') She came back in almost exactly 20 minutes. I was getting pretty uncomfortable but I felt like I was doing a pretty good job just staying completely relaxed and focused. She finally checked me and was shocked to see that I was at 7cm already (side note - I was not shocked. Just saying.) I see panic in her face, she says she's going to go call Dr., and out the door she goes! The door barely shuts and then it opened back up again. It felt like an army of nurses and hospital staff were charging my room, but I think it was probably just three of them. :) But they were busy little bees getting everything set up and chatting about how they didn't have a whole lot of time to get this ready. Nurse #1 returns pretty quickly and tells us that Dr. was in the hospital parking lot just getting ready to leave, so he was coming back in and would be right up. A couple minutes later, Doc strolls in, gloves up and does his own check. In those few minutes I went from 7cm to 9cm and basically 100% effaced. It was go time. Insert my holy crap panic here because I went from my relaxed, zen mode to "I know how this baby has to come out of my body and I don't know if I can do that again!!" My water still hadn't broke, so the doctor got his hook and did his thing. I kid you not, friends... this is the order that things happened, but from where I was sitting, it basically all happened simultaneously: He stabbed my water bag, there was a gush of liquid, he removed the amniohook, and OH.MY.WORD.... "I need to push!!!!" The Dr., facing away from me as he is getting his gloves on (this never occurred to me until right now, but I'm not exactly sure when that first set of gloves had time to come off. hmmm...), turns and sees my baby crowning. With my first delivery, I told the nurse I needed to push and she told me to wait. Nobody was going to tell me to wait this time, so I don't think I even asked permission (if I did, I certainly didn't wait for an answer!) Now I see the panic in his eyes, similar to the look that first sweet nurse gave, and he fumbles to get that last glove on so he can catch my baby. 2½ pushes later and, just like that, 35 minutes after we arrived, our baby girl was here with us!
I can't lie, as the doctor held her up, we both took a quick peek just to make sure, then we looked at each other knowingly... yes, it was definitely a girl. Our hearts were readied for another girl and we loved her already, but there was still a tiny chance that maybe, just maybe, it would be a boy this time. I'm so glad it wasn't!
This little princess has stolen our hearts and - I know I've said this three times before but the words are so true every single time - our lives will never be the same!

Welcome to the world, Brenna Paige! I hope you love it here with us, because we love you!!

Many of you know that Nate and I really struggle with the "Name Game". The nurses quickly caught on to that fact and after about 4 hours, this is what went up on the board. :)

Sisters

Kate had an instant love for Brenna!! She got very upset anytime someone else was holding her.

Eden is officially a pro at the big sister gig

Jada loves her sister so much.... you'd never guess how upset she was 5 months ago when she found out it wasn't a boy!

It's hard work coming into the world!

*love her*

it's been 20 years!

This past weekend, my family and I reached a milestone that, honestly, 20 years ago I couldn't envision. Never in a million years would I have imagined the ways that dark Sunday night would change our lives forever. No doubt, I knew they would change... changes happened immediately! But I just couldn't have guessed how they would change. As I think about it, I realize that many of my closest friends probably have no idea that this is part of my history. On one hand, I think this is awesome because it means it has not consumed me and it does not define me. On the other hand, I think it absolutely defines me because so many of my decisions and actions are a direct result of what happened. So maybe they don't know because it's still not always easy to talk about. My husband will occasionally ask me questions when we see something or something happens that he feels might trigger flashbacks for me. I love his sensitivity about the matter, but sometimes it's even hard to express my feelings and emotions to him. So, because I process everything best through writing, here is my story... and this is how it changed me.
June 20, 1994... It was the middle of the night and 15 year old me was sound asleep in my bed. Suddenly I awake to someone in my bed, on top of me, attempting to rape me. I was completely pinned down and he had his hand over my mouth in an effort to muffle the screams that he certainly knew would come. And they did, I started screaming and didn't stop for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't stop until my Dad heard my cries for help and came to see what was wrong. I can't even imagine walking into that room, because that is certainly not what he expected to find. As they wrestled their way out of my room, my Mom came in and told me to stay put. To this day, I'm not even sure why I listened to her, but I did. So I sat in my bed and listened to my Dad fight and my Mom call 911. If a memory can be simultaneously so absolutely vivid and a complete blur, that's what that memory is. All the noises and activity are a big blur in my head and all happening at the same time, but I remember it all so clearly. The attacker escaped, the police showed up, and the next several hours are filled with visits to the police department and the hospital. My dad was bitten and my mom suffered a knife cut that required surgery. And somehow I only had to suffer through a bit of questioning and a rape kit. Still doesn't seem fair to me. We moved out of our house. I don't even know how that decision was reached, but I'm glad it was because there is no way I could have gone back. We moved in with my grandma for a month. Three of us living in one bedroom. I never wanted to be alone. I couldn't be alone. The thought terrified me. Somehow, we made it through that summer. The house got a fresh coat of paint and my bedroom got a face lift in an effort to make it easier to come back to. I remember the first day back... the new room was nice, but I don't think that made it any easier. We now had central air conditioning so the doors and windows could stay closed and locked. I don't remember how long it took for me to be able to sleep through the night by myself. But however long it took, it was even longer before I was willing to be alone in the house. I was certain my life was ruined forever.
June 20, 2014... This is where I am today. Forever changed because of one selfish, foolish act of a coward 20 years ago (a coward that was never punished for his actions because he was never apprehended). But not all of the changes are as negative as I once imagined they would be. And my life was NOT ruined. I'm still paranoid. More often than not, I feel like I'm being watched. Based on evidence and actions, there is no doubt that I was watched before that fateful night because he knew where he was going and where to find me. That thought disgusts me. So, for the most part, my doors and windows stayed closed and locked and curtains are pulled closed. But I can proudly say it's not like this ALL the time... I have reached the point that I can enjoy the fresh air and sunshine in my house from time to time. Just not usually at night. (although, this weekend our air conditioning went out and it was HOT... I successfully slept with my bedroom windows open 2 nights in a row! Overcomer!!) You can rest assured my girls will never have the luxury of open windows while they sleep as long as they live under my roof. Sorry, girls!  I sometimes wonder if he knows where I am and what I'm doing. Am I still on his radar? I pray that I'm not, but a small part of me will always fear that I am. (In fact, as I write this, I wonder if he will somehow come across it and read it) I'm pretty comfortable being alone, but I prefer to have a phone pretty close by and in the back of my head I always have an escape plan for almost any conceivable situation that I may need to escape from. House noises (you know, the squeaks and creaks) don't bother me anymore. I still don't like it when cars drive past our house after dark. We live in a quiet neighborhood and as far as I'm concerned any car driving by after the sun sets is suspicious. Thankfully, this has not yet proven to be true. But the feeling will probably always be there. These are all little things. Things that may bother me from time to time. And some things that I will occasionally notice that I seem to have conquered. Things that will probably always remain with me. But if the last 20 years are proof of anything, they are proof that the intensity of most of the things that still bother me will continue to fade over time. In fact, there are now days that pass that I don't even think about these events anymore. I couldn't have made that claim even 5 years ago.But there are two big - HUGE - things that are still very present in my life today because of that night. The first being the absolute best thing that could ever come from such a terrible situation. Thirteen months after the worst night of my life, I joyfully claimed Jesus Christ as my personal savior. If that kid would not have forced his way into my home, my family would not have connected with Marion Mennonite Church the way that we did which means I wouldn't have attended the youth conference in 1995 that changed my life forever, where Jesus was presented to me in a way that I couldn't deny Him. And, actually, while we are talking about church and meeting life changing men, I can happily say that that church building is also the place that I met my wonderful husband. See, God has a plan in everything. Do I wish I could have met my savior and my husband under different circumstances? Absolutely! But, if I had to do it all over again and that was the only way I could meet those two men, it was worth every tear cried, every sleepless night, every glance over my shoulder. Everything.
The second thing I still deal with is the one I struggle with more than anything else. See, I am on the other side of this tragedy now. I went through the trenches and now I can look back and claim victory over that darkness. But this is my problem... I'm a mom now. If I was a mom to boys, I would sit them down at an appropriate age and explain to them how they are to treat a woman. I would tell them what is OK and what is not OK. I would attempt to raise them in a way that they would automatically respect all people so that something like this would never be an issue for them. I'm not saying that would be an easy conversation, but in my head, it's an easier script to write. But, for whatever reason, my sweet Lord has blessed me with girls. All girls. So now I am left to wonder... how do I tell them? when do I tell them? I can't pretend that we live in a perfect, happy world. I have to tell them what happened to me and they have to realize that it happens all the time. Do you have any idea how my heart breaks when one of my babies wakes me up in the middle of the night crying and all she can say is 'I'm scared!'?? Right now, after making sure there is nothing tangible actually scaring them, I just tell them there is nothing to be scared of. But as they get older, I get scared. And I will have to admit to them that there are things, real things, real people, that will scare them. When I tell them, I don't want the conversation to leave them fearful and paranoid and feeling helpless. I want them to feel empowered and fearless, but cautious and aware. In a perfect world, I would nail it with the first conversation with Eden and the subsequent conversations would be a piece of cake. But the very fact that we have to have these talks with our kids is because it's not a perfect world. And all of my kids have different personalities which means all of the 'scripts' are going to be so different. I know we will get through this... I just pray that we are all stronger on the other side of it!
I wish that night 20 years ago would have never happened. But it did. And it's made me who I am today. For that, I am grateful. So 2 decades later, there are a lot of people to say thank you to. Thanks to my parents for protecting me. Thanks to our family for loving us. Thanks to local law enforcement for doing what they could to help. Thanks to our community for the cards, calls, and hugs - all these years later, they all still mean so much!!